The Land of Sahara Lotti
a book tightly shut is but a block of paper……..inside my brain…….my brain is still not tired…Archive for August, 2007
did billie die for me?
If you’re ever in the mood to argue, feeling a little angry? Feeling a little pissy. Feel a little Billie Holiday. She’s the m in mellow man. You know, she had a serious drug problem, which is probably why she’s so mellow. Now here’s my stoner thought of the day, her mellow mellows me out. So my question is, did I benefit from Billie Holidays drug problem?
I think I did. But you know, people benefit from my shit too. The more pained I am the funnier the material I write. Pain brings funny. Strange concept, yet true.
tell the truth
When you love somebody and you genuinely care – you tell them the truth. Really. You put all your own shit aside and you tell them the fucking truth. Even if they don’t want to hear it. And yes, for a while, they’ll hate you. You know, in love-hate kind of way. Love hate love hate love hate love hate. But if you love somebody it’s worth it. Because how can you help them, by yes-manning them all day? You can’t. Sometimes we make stupid decisions based on fear and we’re not able to see things clearly because the sound of our own Truth is drowned by the sound of our own Fear. So we can’t hear anything… That’s why we need people that will talk loud enough so we can hear them. Yes, I know, it hurts. But one day…or maybe even the next day after we’re finished wanting do some serious ass kickery, we’ll be thankful. So hurt someone’s feelings today, it’ll be worth it.
i know i know i know i know i know nothing and then a lot
Genius. Crazy, crazy, crazy, greatness genius.
I’m too distracted to say much. So I say it with music. I’m in full on work mode – I’m not returning calls, or emails. People think I hate them. I don’t. I just can’t deal. I don’t want to talk. When I’m writing a film I sort of check out and enter another realm…another world if you will…the world that I’ve created and I’m writing about. In those times my brain isn’t capable of socializing with anyone other than my dog. Deadlines and producers breathing down my neck wanting my draft (you know who you are!!) …it’s stressful….sometimes I wish I could wiggle my nose and stop the world. I remember when September 11th happened. It felt like the world stopped for a few days. My Amex bill was late and I was freaking. But for a few days American Express shut down. For a few days they didn’t care about my bill. Those were the days. Not really. But you know what I mean.
P.S. I did a really funky cover of this. When I get my head out of my ass I’m going to post it.
but i live for this this shit. very little interest in french frou frou. let’s break down the blues since i don’t have them
(seriously what does “she had my nose open” mean?)
no sucky sucky long time
I’m kind of into writing things down on what’s happening in my mind/spirit/life and sometimes throwing it out there for the world to see. It’s an interesting way to reflect. I write for a living, I write in my journal, I write music, I write emails, now I write on this thing. I didn’t even know I liked to write, yet somehow I became a writer. Weird. Wasn’t even my plan. Clearly something elses plan for me. We go through a lot as people don’t we? If there’s anything I’ve learned in life it’s that life isn’t just some reasonless free for all. If you look closely at what’s happening around you, you will be able to see the intricacies that somehow make sense. Sometimes it’s very difficult when you’re in it, but when you’re out of it, it’s much easier to see the lesson and the purpose. All the bad in my life has actually been for the good, mostly because of the necessary lessons learned as well as what they brought. Newness and hope and etc.
When you live in cities like Los Angeles and New York, where there’s so much energy all over the place, sometimes it can be difficult to think straight. I think that’s why people are getting all yoga’d out. I went away in July to clear my mind. I thought that was the answer. Sitting in a jungle taking outdoor baths was supposed to heal me. Totally didn’t work. I was shocked because it always worked before. But the powerful red sand beach had no power on me this time. Hardly. I wrote this when I got back:
Up and down and up and down and up and down.
It’s like…I just want peace man.
A release man.
Calm. Quiet.
Not an emotional riot.
Funny when you try to let go.
It comes running back…
Making up for all the lack.
No.
Let go.
Yo.
It says no no.
What’s up with that shit?
I’ll guard you with my wit.
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
Vacations on the beachside.
They no longer heal.
This fucked up deal.
Shopping? Not really.
Work? Hardly.
This sucky sucky long time.
Sucky suck long time.
What is with this life of mine?
So anyway, yeah, the jungle did me no good other than get me really tan. But now, suddenly after an emotional upheaval freak-out-athon, I can think again. I am an honest person by nature. And a very open one. I tell people my shit. I don’t like confrontation, but I hate hiding feelings because they just overwhelm me if I don’t get it out. Out, out, out. But then again, on the other hand, I am also intensely private. No wonder I am confused. Some people have different definitions of “being real”. For me, its being who you are and not giving a shit about what people “expect” from you. Note, I did not say not giving a shit what people “think”. Because we all care what people think on some level. We all want to be liked on some level. That is human and it’s not ending anytime soon. But the idea that we must be something for others is what I have a deep aversion to. If I was what they wanted me to be I would be less successful, less cooler, and less me. In life, I have also found the more I tried to hide my insecurities, the bigger and more powerful they became. So I sort of just started practicing what it would be like to randomly blurt one out once in a while…and I did. And you know what? It frees you. It just makes people relate to you more. We all have them. Hiding is just not the way, trying to be perfect is just not the way. When people say “I hate that person” or “I dislike that person”, usually they are disliking the false sense of self that person is presenting to the world. The wall, the guards, the products created from insecurity. I guarantee if you sat with that person in a room alone for five minutes and there were no human barriers you would find something to relate to. It’s the truth. It’s human shit that gets in the way. The way most animals deal with most humans and most humans deal with most animals is pretty powerful. There is none of that human shit or egoist acrobatics. It’s just “Hey”. “Hey”. “Cool.” “Cool.” “Lick, lick”. “Yeah”.
But there are some things I can’t move past. If you don’t like Van, I just don’t like you.
a lot of random shit
Momentary revalation! Pain isn’t optional, suffering is. My mood has changed. I am actually feeling quite clear headed and rational and no longer brooding. At least for now. I seriously need to learn to be less emotional. When I say emotional, I don’t mean I’m like crying and shit all day long. I can just be very dramatic in my own mind. It’s the ex-actress in me since before I was a genius writer I was a dumb actress. I wish someone told me when I grew up that I would be crazy. Let’s see how long this mood lasts. You know…the biggest favor one can do for themselves is to observe themselves and be self aware. It’s really the only way you can be better. That is if you want to.
Check it out, Tom Jones and Janis Joplin, how random is that shit?
Tom Jones in general is seriously random in my world, but just in case you didn’t know it, the guy is also a fucking genius. Now I don’t mean a musical genius, I can’t give him that label and be able to sleep at night, but I mean genius like he knows how to keep making money genius. Somehow this man knows how to find a niche in a nicheless world. And in the entertainment business it’s all about niches believe it or not.
So I was at Tower Video on Sunset Blvd one night getting a DVD and Tom Jones was in line with me. Honestly, I didn’t really know who the hell he was. I thought he was the brother from Eight is Enough who had aged. But the dude waiting in line with me was like “Yo, you’re Tom Jones!”. And Tom Jones was like, “Sure am.” And the dude was like “That’s so cool, you’re the guy that got the underwear thrown at him and shit.” Anyhow I’m listening to this whole thing and all I keep thinking is how I had been in Mykonos, Greece not too long ago and Tom Jones was all over the music scene – because somehow he had now morphed himself into a huge electronic music icon in Europe. For real! He’s recorded an astonishing amount of (gay) dance music. All hits. And instead of women throwing their underwear at him, he’s got gay men throwing their underwear at each other. And somehow in this one life he’s covered women and men and that’s like rare. So anyway, there was this one Tom Jones song they kept playing in Mykonos called “Sex Bomb”, catchy as shit:
Anyhow, so Tom gets up to the register and puts down his DVD and the Tower Video employee is like, “I need to see your ID”. Tom digs in his pockets and can’t find it. The employee is like, “Sorry sir but I can’t rent you this video unless I verify your identity.” And guy was dead serious too. So Tom fumbles looking for it and it seems he can’t find it. But the employee wants that ID and is being a dick about it. I can’t take it anymore, so I finally ask the employee, “Why do you think you’re supposed to ask for ID’s?” The employee replies, “So we can verify identification”. I said “exactly, and we already know this is Tom Jones, I mean, dude, he’s Tom Jones.” And the employee looks at Tom Jones and goes “Sorry sir, I would need to see your ID or I can’t rent you this DVD.” So at this point I am freaking out because this is just way stupid and I can’t handle stupidness that’s this stupid. It’s like does he even understand why he’s asking for ID? Or is he just so used to going through the motions that there is no reason for anything other than it was instructed to him and because he’s a zombie this is perfectly sensible behavior? So Tom is getting bummed out because he wants his DVD and he’s about to give up. And at that moment I decided if Tom’s bummed I’m bummed. So I’m like “Listen, the man is Tom Jones. The singer of Sex Bomb! Give the guy a little respect.” Meanwhile, I know Tom sang more famous shit but honestly, I have no fucking clue what he sang other than Sex Bomb. Sex Bomb was fresh in my mind. You should have seen the look on Tom’s face when I threw out Sex Bomb. So the dude in line goes, “Yeah! He’s Tom Jones. The guy sings Sex Bomb. Both her and I can vouch for him. He IS Tom Jones.” The guy wouldn’t budge. Unbelievable. So I rented Tom’s movie for him and I honestly didn’t do it because he’s Tom Jones I did it because he’s an older person and you should always be respectful to your elders.
